There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
