my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
my being single is dangerous.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
