i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
