We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
