There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
