Got a toothbrush?
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
