getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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