We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
he laminated a picture of his dick.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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