Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
