i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
