When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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