If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Soap is not a condiment
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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