Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
