Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
