dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
