I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
