I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
