Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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