never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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