If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Come see our sink grown plant.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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