True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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