You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
