He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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