My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
