You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Randomize
