She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
