it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
