Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
