woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
