I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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