Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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