Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
