It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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