her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
