i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
