I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm too high and old for this...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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