Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
