yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
