Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
