dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
