420 ftw
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I am naked and annoyed.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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