I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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