College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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