doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
