worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
