haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
now i know why i became what i already was.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
