You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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