Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Randomize
