I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
