It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You smell like stripper and shame
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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