i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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