Have you finally orgasmed yet?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
