nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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