So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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