i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
