i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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