someone threw a dead crab at me
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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