just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
