All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
