i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
