The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
