You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize