I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
