I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
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