did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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