why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
