a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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