My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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